2nd September 2009

I dont know what's happening. I am somewhat bored or somewhat listless. or somewhat in a vacume. I am not very sure what im doing. Every day, I wake up at six in the morning and once in a blue moon i dont feel like getting up but most of the days i have no problem getting up. work starts at 830 but i reach office at 730 and make myself a cup of coffee and whatever breakfast that i may be having which is usually 2 slices of bread with my favourite butter, salted butter. Then I'll run through my work emails and probably start with work. Half the time wanting to do something else like surfing the net but will have no clue what to surf and end up deleting junk mails from my mailbox. Then when the clock strikes 830, I'll officially be busy with real work till 6 in the evening and then I'll lament that I didn't check the TOTO results etc and I'll take the mini-bus home but it doesnt stop there, it passes by my home but it stops at Bedok MRT and I'll spend another 45 mins trying to get home where it is so close yet so far away. 730 home, Kiki will either be awake or falling asleep so it depends on her wakefullness before I know if I'll be bathing or playing with her. She doesn't giggle or gurgle with me as much as she does with Bren or some other people. Maybe my voice is not high pitched enough or have she not seen enough of my face. Sometimes at work, I forget that I have a baby. In fact, I don't know what's the matter with me I don't feel motherly. yet, is it yet or is it I never will? I don't have that whinny dependency or attachment to her. Is there something wrong with me? I dont know what to do with her and I got lazy and did not do much with her. Should I be singing, reading, laughing with her? I dont know, it seems that all she does is to drink milk, cry, cranky and sleep. I need activities, I need more. I need to do more. More of what? I don't know. Get out, get out. Just go anywhere with her. Can't wait for the ghost month to be over, can't wait for fasting month to be over. Then I shall bring both Kiki and the maid out. To visit anyone, visit relatives, to go get some nice food maybe. The maid has been good and bad. Got to forget the bad things and look at the good. The good thing is that she is good with Kiki and I guess that is the most important thing. So forget the part about her hubby calling her more often than I call my mom. I dont think it is right to find fault or be unhappy with the person caring for your baby. Afterall, they care for your baby. All the more I must learn to like her. Be loving. Be embracing. And be giving.
I am excited that I am having a weeks off in November, the week of my birthday but I have no idea what to do with the free time. Should I book a chalet, who will come. Should I take a holiday, where to go. I told Brendan that I will just take the KTM train to anywhere it will stop in Malaysia and just get lodging for the night and move from town to town. He says that is not much of a plan. I think I will just take a holiday by myself. I would like to do that. Good.